Another No CLE Credit CLE Seminar On Twitter For Lawyers, By Non-Practicing Lawyers

Will it ever stop? Do we care that marketers are swarming all over the legal profession, dropping the red meat of "how to make money" and pretending that teaching us how to communicate with a keyboard is a science?

Oh, you just want to know where to send the $125?

Here.

It's yet another "Twitter for Lawyers" seminar. Not twitter for doctors, engineers, truck drivers or fruit stand owners - just lawyers. Us silly lawyers, unable to understand how to type on twitter, unable to go about our days with out learning how every single social media platform can make us money.

Now this tele-seminar is put on by ALI-ABA, which claims to provide "Continuing Leadership in Professional Education." This professional education though provides no continuing legal education credit. None.

Tweet tweet tweet.

Here's what you'll learn:

Twitter Basics: Setting up your profile and what to tweet

The Language of Twitter: Codes and shortcuts

Platform Choices: Twitter.com versus social media management tools

Twitter in Context: How Twitter supplements your web presence, and,

drum roll........

Twitter for Client Development

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Did you check out the faculty? Three people, none of them practice law. They can't tell you about the last legal client, or case they got through twitter last week, last month.

I know, you don't care. If they can give you the keys to new clients through twitter, you're pulling out the credit card.

Enjoy.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Now They're "Masters Of Marketing," Says A Marketer

For the self-proclaimed "lawyer marketers," tweets, books, and consulting gigs are never enough to pay the rent (or half the hotel room when he goes to conferences and asks if anyone wants to stay with him.)

The marketers tweet ideas and posts of others, write posts on "what lawyers can learn from (any non-law story)," congratulate each other on being congratulated by other marketers, and write books that only the most desperate, moronic lawyers find relevant. ("Use my real name in social media? Wow!")

So what to do?

Have another marketer package you up as a Law Firm Marketing Master.

Yes, that's right, an Australian lawyer marketer has put together a group of 10 5 of your favorite social media stars and in late February, well, the whole thing will launch. Yes, you'll be able to buy their "secrets" to growing your practice.

I don't know who the other 5 will be, but there will be 10, even though there's 5 now.

When I first saw the link to the "Law Firm Marketing Masters," I figured that some national association had knighted these twitter rock stars and epic thought leaders as "masters." But no, they are masters by virtue of....another marketer.

We are bringing the World’s best law firm marketing experts straight to you. The Law Firm Marketing Masters Series offers you real-time tools, techniques and strategies to build an extraordinary law firm. The content ranges from how to build a winning culture, right through to how to integrate a successful online marketing campaign, through the smart use of blogs and social media tools. Learn what the leading rainmakers are doing today to drive exponential growth in difficult times. The Law Firm Marketing Masters series gives you over 7 hours of audio content, as well as the book with loads of other exclusive information and offers.
This is Exceptional Real-Time Content

Exceptional.

But leading rainmakers? These are marketers. Which one of the 10 5 are rainmakers?

We wouldn't expect anything less than exceptional from one of the "masters," Adrian Dayton.

From the site:

Adrian is an attorney, author and internationally recognized speaker and consultant to some of the largest and most respected firms in the World

You remember Adrian? He was fired after 8 months as a lawyer, wrote a book on how lawyers can type on twitter, then admitted to me that he puffed his resume to sell himself, and now has convinced several, as he calls them "large law firms" to hire him to teach them how to blog and tweet, and game Google.

None of these clients care how he got to where he is, in fact, they don't ask. I recently spoke with a lawyer marketer about how the scum of the industry get in the door of respected law firms and lawyers and was told "you have no idea - lawyers don't ask questions."

And the lawyer marketers thank God for that. There's no money in having to answer to your past, especially when so much of it is made up.

There's also Larry Bodine.

From the site:

Larry Bodine needs no introduction. Now, the Editor in Chief of Lawyers.com, Larry is the World’s most recognized law firm marketing expert.

Says who?

Another marketer.

Larry recently shuttered his lawyer marketing consulting shop to become "Editor In Chief" of Lawyers.com, whatever that means. Larry doesn't like me much, because I wondered aloud why a long-time marketer like him would want to associate with the likes of Adrian Dayton. Larry seemingly is a fan of "organic" marketing, you know, non-social media marketing? He had a voice that wasn't part of the merry mix of happy "make money by tweeting" clowns. That changed. Can't beam 'em? You know the drill. So as that changed. he of course also became a big fan of Adrian, and as I saw it happening, I started wondering when they would join ranks.

There's also who the site refers to as "Law Firm Marketing Special Guest" Ari Kaplan, who is described as "one of the World’s leading Thought Leaders."

The site doesn't say who is producing this marketing package, so I went on a little search. At the bottom right of the site there is a link to "Law Firm Marketing." Clicking the link got me here.

Then I went to "About," which led me here.

Scroll down a bit and found a link to Multi-Award Winning Lawyer and Change-Agent Dan Toombs.

And here he is. Dan Toombs founded "grow your practice" in 2010.

You can sign up now so that when the product goes on sale you will be notified. I don't know how much it will be or who the other 5 "masters" will be, but get on board, sign up now, and grow your practice with the "masters."

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

The Marketer's Creed: Just Say Everything Applies To Lawyers

I just don't know where to start. This marketing to lawyers crowd has become a total joke, trying to be subtle about their goal to sell, sell, sell to lawyers with their overdone analogies to lawyers of every new shiny Apple device, new software, Steve Jobs death, a story having nothing to do with lawyers, any pop culture issue, any popular story, a celebrity in rehab, ANYTHING that they can pretend has some comparison to lawyers.

The economy is driving so many lawyers to abandon their goal of become better advocates in favor of become better marketers that anyone out there who will try to analogize any aspect of life to lawyers is seen as a genius.

Morons. All of them.

Every damn day some tech hack, failed lawyer, marketing moron, salesperson to desperate lawyers everywhere tweets, posts on Facebook, or yes, even blogs about how we lawyers and law students are to believe that there is nothing in life that doesn't apply to lawyers.

What applies most to lawyers? Whatever they are selling.

If you're a cloud computing evangelist, you talk about how everyone is talking about cloud computing for lawyers. If you sell twitter for a living, you talk about how 145% of all lawyers are hired through twitter. Sell blogs? Talk about how the latest news story having nothing to do with law means that all lawyers should blog.

And all in the name of selling a dream to lawyers.

Why doesn't everything apply to doctors, or pilots or teachers? Why is it that the entire marketing world seems to be converging on lawyers? Why is it that every aspect of life seems to the marketer to have some benefit to how lawyers can make money? There we are, lawyers at the forefront of taking every internet platform, every new shiny toy, every new piece of shit that is introduced into the market, and talking about how lawyers can use it to make money.

And we wonder why they hate us?

When will we see how the act of taking a shit applies to lawyers? Or driving down a road, or buying a hot dog?

I hear the iPad 3 is coming out in March. Know how it will affect lawyers or the practice of law?

It won't.

But someone, someone desperate for attention, actually many people desperate for not only attention, buy lawyer attention and lawyer dollars will tell you it does.

And we all sit back and comment on how "interesting," and "epic" the thoughts are.

They're not.

I'm tired of it.

Aren't you?

Probably not.

I can tell you though, this post, applies to lawyers.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Because First You Have To Be Dead

Long before I signed a lease for my office space, the cleaning crew in the building was there, and I trust they'll be there long after I leave. There's a few things they do that keep them coming back every day as the sun sets. One, they clean the place. Two, you could leave a diamond ring, 2 Rolex watches and a stack of cash on the desk and it would be there the next day, and three, they have this policy where unless a box, container, or other thing on the floor that looks like it's garbage, actually says "GARBAGE" (I write "BASURA" because I actually know these folks), they don't throw it out. That's right, that empty cardboard box appearing to have no relevance or future, will remain in the middle of the hallway the next morning if there's no instructions on what to do with it.

Sometimes that fourth thing is a bit annoying, but sends the appropriate message - we have a job to do, and begging for forgiveness is not helpful at contract renewal time. You want the box thrown out, just say the word, literally.

In contrast, this philosophy that there's a hierarchy of authority in the business world was rejected at last week's "Marketing Partner's Forum." That's right, Sally in marketing, is on her way to becoming a "Marketing Partner." This group is just a few motivational conference quotes away from relevance in the 70% of law firms that don't have a "Marketing Partner."

The following platitude went viral in the conference twitter stream and I'm sure emptied a few tissue boxes:

@cindygallop: You heard @silviacoulter, #MPF12 peeps: BREAK THE RULES and ask forgiveness, not permission.

That's right, the marketers have had it with lawyers, especially when it comes to social media, saying no, "not for us," "not our image," "no," just "no." If the grey hairs, whose only significance was to grow a successful law firm, won't listen to the 28 year old social media star, well, they're going to just do their own thing, start pounding away on twitter and LinkedIn and blogging, and apologize later.

They don't ever discuss rules, especially when they say things like this:

Rule 5.3 Responsibilities Regarding Nonlawyer Assistants:

With respect to a nonlawyer employed or retained by or associated with a lawyer:

(a) a partner, and a lawyer who individually or together with other lawyers possesses comparable managerial authority in a law firm shall make reasonable efforts to ensure that the firm has in effect measures giving reasonable assurance that the person's conduct is compatible with the professional obligations of the lawyer;

(b) a lawyer having direct supervisory authority over the nonlawyer shall make reasonable efforts to ensure that the person's conduct is compatible with the professional obligations of the lawyer; and

(c) a lawyer shall be responsible for conduct of such a person that would be a violation of the Rules of Professional Conduct if engaged in by a lawyer if:

(1) the lawyer orders or, with the knowledge of the specific conduct, ratifies the conduct involved; or

(2) the lawyer is a partner or has comparable managerial authority in the law firm in which the person is employed, or has direct supervisory authority over the person, and knows of the conduct at a time when its consequences can be avoided or mitigated but fails to take reasonable remedial action.

Now when it comes to rules, the marketers have an easy out - one, they don't apply to them, and two, they are seen as "scare tactics" by lawyers like me who constantly throw them in their face and, well, maybe hurt business. Anything that hurts business is wrong, and communist, and part of the past, and mean.

Marketing folks didn't have to swear to their state Supreme Court to follow some rules, they reject the constant droning of "be careful with social media," and reject any notion that anyone should be "scared" of the consequences of stupidity on the internet.

I responded that I thought their "seek forgiveness not permission," nonsense was a good way to get fired, to which one of the merry group of morons responded something about how you wouldn't want to work for someone that didn't "follow" that premise.

Who are these lawyers to tell the marketers how to run a law practice?

Of course the marketers would like my cleaning crew to take a page from them and just start throwing out boxes, then saying "oops," and there's really no example of how this philosophy (other than my mean, mean, rants) actually was detrimental to someone's career.

And then last night, oh no, ut oh, damn, not again:

The managing editor of a student-run news organization that covers Penn State resigned Saturday after the publication's Twitter account sent messages saying former coach Joe Paterno had died, according to a letter on the publication's website.

That's right, the kid woke up Saturday morning, probably threw back some badly needed coffee, some cold 2 day old pizza, went for a run, did a little homework, had some tweets pop up from the paper's twitter account about Joe Paterno dying, and this morning, well, he's out of a job.

Just like that.

Yeah, see, the problem was, Joe Paterno didn't die. The family spokesman (usually a family member or someone a cell phone call away in another room), never said he died, because he wasn't dead.

News about a death is sad, and even sadder when you hear about it while you're still trying to live.

He's not a marketer, but he's begging for forgiveness right now.

"I never, in a million years, would have thought that Onward State might be cited by the national media,'' his letter said. "Today, I sincerely wish it never had been."

Yeah, I know, you're just some local student-run paper at Penn State, and when you tweet something about the death of Joe Paterno, why think that anyone else may read it?

The kid had some help from some other, better known media outlets that couldn't be bothered with that old, dying journalistic concept of "verification:"

The incorrect information found its way onto media websites, including CBSSports.com, People.com and the Huffington Post.

CBSSports.com had run a photo of Paterno with a caption saying the longtime Penn State coach "loses his battle with lung cancer at 85.'' The blurb did not include the source of the information.

In an apology on its site, CBSSports.com said the mistake "was the result of a failure to verify the original report. CBSSports.com holds itself to high journalistic standards, and in this circumstance tonight, we fell well short of those expectations."

Oops. Sorry.

The now former editor did say something that's true, of which the perfect "verification" is his own stupidity:

"In this day and age, getting it first often conflicts with getting it right, but our intention was never to fall into that chasm,'' the letter said. "All I can do now is promise that in the future, we will exercise caution, restraint, and humility."

Caution, restraint, humility.

Not really exciting buzzwords like "thought leader," "game changer," "rock star" "evangelist," or "epic."

They're terms of the past, that have caught up with the future.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Let the Legal Conferences Of The Stupids Begin

Now that the holidays are over, it's time for failed and former lawyers turned tech hacks and social media experts to gather and give each other hugs and remind each other that lawyers who have offices and wear suits are part of the past.

Of course I am here to give you all the conference information you need. First, let's talk about

Legal Tech NY!!!!!

Legal Tech NY, otherwise known as LTNY, (self described as the "most important legal technology event of the year" and otherwise known as LTNY!!!!!! on twitter because the children can't communicate in something that's not an acronym (LOL!!!)) is the precursor to the ABA Tech Show, which is where the non-practicing LTNY attendees go next if they haven't maxed out their credit card or mommy and daddy will foot the bill.

Besides the 394 hours of e-discovery seminars, here's a couple others to catch at Legal Tech NY, sorry LTNY!!!!:

iLove for the iPad: Tips, Tricks & Apps: "Another burning question that continues to occupy minds of the legal technologists and their clients worldwide is
“Laptop or Tablet?” In a can’t-miss briefing by experts, this session “iLove for the iPad: Tips, Tricks and Apps,”
addresses ways the iPad can serve as an effective mobile tool for legal professionals and how it can enhance their
workflow and communication.

eDiscovery in a Facebook world: Social Retention & Its Requirements

Growing & Retaining Your Client Base Through Technology & New Media

One of the high notes of LTNY!!! is that none (update: after tweeting incessantly "I don't know if I'm going to LTNY in a pouty effort to get a free ticket, one former lawyer has been substituted in) of the usual suspects of failures are speaking. Good job LTNY coordinators. It's about time some conference realized that former and failed lawyers shouldn't be put in front of practicing lawyers learning how to better their practices.

And coming up this week...

MPF12!!!!! (social media folks love exclamation points)

That's the Marketing Partners Forum: Driving Innovation in a Transforming Legal Marketplace. I know, but just stay with me here, I never knew Lucy the marketing girl was now called a "Marketing Partner" either.

This conference, having darkened my door in Miami, has all the buzzword seminars:

Social Media to Drive Revenue

The Future of Marketing: Redesigning the Way You Do Business In The New World Order (New World Order is of course, social media)

Aligning Brand with Strategy (always need a branding seminar)

Effective Approaches to Selling and Building Relationships (selling relationships? Is that like prostitution?

Reaching GCs Through Social Media (Translated: how to stalk the people that really want nothing to do with you)

Web Trends 2012

Where’s the Money? (This just made me laugh)

And of course, my favorite social media guru, Adrian Dayton, will be there selling his new book "how I convinced everyone that after 8 months practicing law I could tell BigLaw how to use LinkedIn and Blogs to bring in business," or something like that.

Adrian is moderating a panel, which in social media guru land means "I AM SPEAKING AT A BIG NATIONAL CONFERENCE." Bob Ambrogi, for whatever reason, has agreed to be on this panel.

Have fun everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand. Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Marketing Yourself As The Lawyer (Coward) You Are

Sometimes I wonder whether to write about the things that just make me embarrassed to be a lawyer. There are things so stunning, so pathetic, that I have trouble transferring thought to words.

But this is something you need to know.

While I have devoted much of the space here to talking about lawyers who lie on the internet and pretend they are someone else, this is a case where two lawyers have allowed another "lawyer" to treat them like a hostage in a third world country, (Link takes you to apology of Lori Palmieri to Joseph Rakofsky, it has no title as a title would give it "google juice" and not be a very good marketing tactic, better not to be able to find it when looking to hire Palmieri because it would damage her marketing plan), spewing propaganda for the purpose of saving themselves.

And they have done so magnificently.

Their next move should be to advise their state bar that they no longer have the character and fitness to practice law and are surrendering their licenses.

They have both settled a case, caved in to the plaintiff, where there is no jurisdiction over them.

Let me say that again.

They couldn't lose.

They couldn't even be ordered to attend one court hearing.

Nothing would have ever happened.

Settling a case under these circumstances is called incompetence.

And of course these lawyers have their defenders.

But defending incompetence and cowardliness is embracing those concepts as acceptable.

Lori Palmieri, markets herself as a fighter - she's "your key to justice." Former prosecutor turned criminal defense lawyer. She gives no appearance that she would ever cave in to nothing. Never. Ever. Nor that she would criticise those that chose to fight. Palmieri graduated from my law school and claims membership in FACDL, but I've never met her, and never heard her name, anywhere.

Martha Sperry, well I'm not sure she practices law, as she spends her days blogging advising on shiny toys and apps. But she is a lawyer, and she should know that if there's no jurisdiction, there's no jurisdiction.

In fact, Martha wrote:

I was sued by Mr. Rakofsky and I do not feel his legal claim has merit against me. But I believe in the legal system and that is where I feel this dispute should be resolved, not the blogosphere.

But then hypocrisy set in...

Martha wrote several posts in apology, and then shucked and jived in the comments section like no other in response to the questions of real lawyers, and former co-defendants.

She resolved her case, in the blogosphere.

And of course she claims that people are "messaging" her in support, as all tech hacks and cowards do. We haven't seen any of these messages, but I assume (if they really exist) they are from the people who think Martha is wonderful and nothing she does is wrong because she knows a lot about Google and shiny toys.

And it's not even that these "awwyers" settled, it's their attack on the fighters, those who understand the law, who really practice law, and who won't be bullied (there's that word again) by a lawyer with no case.

It's the, "uh, well, I, uh, what are you asking me, uh, well, I, uh," responses.

Why did they settle?

Fear.

Couldn't be bothered.

Maybe they're broke and can't afford to file a motion to dismiss.

Maybe they don't know any lawyers who would help them.

Maybe a combination of all three.

But if you check out their internet presences, you'd never know the background.

And don't we love that?

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand. Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

The Silver Bullet Of Legal Marketing, For Like When Tornadoes Kill People

I have failed you all. I have spent my time here raging against the scumbag legal marketers who believe that the road to success as a lawyer is filling the internet with garbage - automatic twitter feeds, multiple accounts, ghostwritten blog posts about the latest car accident and who just got arrested.

I have spent my time spewing silly advice about building relationships, networking, organic marketing, speaking, writing, and have totally missed the boat on the best way to get cases.

I found it.

It's here. For you.

Just watch.



Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand. Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.